A Toast: To God's Grace! (yet again)

Well, I'm kinda wondering when the conviction train is gonna leave the station!

Yesterday I worked from 9 am until after 5:30 pm. Which for most is a normal workday. But life is different at a rec center. Especially when you're trying to organize a chaotic closet of games, puzzles, shirts, sports equipment, and such that people donate by the box-full! (In the midst of all the other stuff, like people constantly needing to be greeted when they come to work out.) So I was pretty tired by 5, and ready to go home and relax for a bit (until the college Bible study at 7pm) and let someone else take over. But then the two people who were supposed to show up for the night shift, didn't. I knew I couldn't stay (we don't have paid overtime), at least not on the clock, and I had specifically asked for Thurs. nights off so I could go to this Bible study. But I felt horrible that my boss would have to be there all night himself. (He's got a wife and three kids that need him to come home every once in a while.) But, he insisted, and I want and need to be with my college students. Anyways. I was frustrated and angry. I should have been understanding of both those people's situations, but I wasn't. Flat out. I was unmerciful, once again.

So, today, I hung out with one of them. And when she said that she was thinking about quitting, I said (altogether too quickly and with a distinct joyful attitude), "Ok.", before I even pondered a good response. I think she was a little taken aback at how I responded. (Don't blame her!) So anyways, I recounted the story that no one showed up, and our boss had to stay himself. And she's pregnant and hormonal right now, so she started to cry. At first I was glad for her remorse. Because she had made the commitment to be there. And quite frankly, I am still learning how to be compassionate on this pregnancy thing. And I know that I won't truly empathize until I go through it myself and learn the hard way just how hard of a process it is. And so part of me is mad at myself, for being such a jerk.

So, the rest of the story is that our friend who was with us began comforting her, telling her not to beat herself up, that it's ok. That friend has been pregnant. And so I thank God for her. Because that's what my friend needs. So I'm a little more mad at myself, that I'm still not as good a friend as I used to think I was. I still have not be reformed and redeemed in the realm of friendship. Because I really want her to stop using the "pregnancy card" as her default excuse. And I know that's because I don't understand. I know that that's my foolishness talking. And I know one day I will want to use that card, because it will be the truth. Pregnancy makes you crazy! So today I empathize with husbands and fathers.

But our friend said something to her that really made me think hard about her situation, about feeling sick all the time and skipping out on work and such. She said, "If your baby was a toddler throwing up at home or needing your care, you wouldn't think twice about calling into work to take care of him or her. And just because this baby is still inside you, when you feel like you do, the baby needs your care, your full attention, to meet its needs. So if you have to call in, it's legitimate. Don't beat yourself up for it - you didn't know the situation at work, you only knew your situation and what you needed to do for you and the baby. You have no reason to feel guilty for that."

And while there is still the "never-been-pregnant" part of me that just wants to say, that's overdoing it a little, there's a deeper part of me that was convicted by our friend's compassion and wisdom. Because she needs encouragement. Not me telling her how she failed or let people down. She's had plenty of that coming at her already. Especially from me.

So anyways. Thank you, Lord, for mercy - especially for self-righteous me. I need your help, I need your compassion and mercy. My friend desperately needs it from me, and only you can give it to her through me. I don't have it in and of myself.

And hopefully she will find it in her to show me kindnesses that I have not shown her, when the roles are reversed. But if she doesn't I know I deserve it. But I know her, and I know she will, and for that I'm thankful too. Because I don't deserve it.

So that's it. I'm a jerk. And a royal one today. Even if most of it was never said out loud, she knows me, and she knows what I'm thinking without me saying it. And I'm sure she was pretty hurt that I thought it. I can't take it back, but I can move forward, and work at being more compassionate and understanding of her situation.

If you're a friend of mine, reading this, I just want to say thanks for being a friend who loves at all times. Cause I'm sure I've been a royal jerk to you too at some point or another. And you've obviously overlooked that fault if you're still a friend today. I appreciate that, and I need it! Cause I'm human. And I know that I'm doomed to be a jerk again at some point in the future. So thanks in advance for choosing to forgive me then too, I'll need it! And I'll need you, and regret my actions and attitude then like I do tonight. So hold on, and stick with me - God's not done with me yet, so with your prayers those incidents will become fewer and father between, as God shapes and molds me into a reflection of His character!

And thank you, Lord, for grace.