Boats and Planes

What a week!

Not sure what to say, really. Or at least where to begin. The book I talked about, A New Kind of Christian, has really been rocking my world - in a very literal way! My theology, my view of church, my understanding of how to display my faith - it's all changing, growing, being shaken. And the job situation is coming into transition again.

I'm at a place that I'm not really ready to describe. And I'm beginning to believe some things that I'm not ready to put in writing. But I want it to be marked down, here, that it's beginning to happen at this point in time.

But I'm wondering something today. And I know that it sounds random at first. But here's my thought: Why was Jesus able to sleep soundly and peacefully through the storm that caused the disciples to fear they were on the brink of death? (see Mark 4:35-41) What I started thinking about was - maybe, just maybe - Jesus is calmed by what causes us to be shaken. When our faith gets turned upside down, and we come to a place of searching and struggling, and growing through digging into Him - it brings Him such peace! It quiets His heart to know that His disciples are going to have to rely on faith. And I don't mean to suggest that God is not at peace. So maybe I'm not articulating this very well. Hmmm.... let me think for a minute.

OK, so the disciples in the boat are fishermen. Definitely not easily frightened by a storm. I'm sure they must have experienced plenty in their lifetimes, and are quite skilled at handling a boat in rough weather and choppy seas. So, this storm is a huge deal to them. It's like their Hurricane Katrina or something! They don't think they're going to survive this one!

Two things stand out to me at this point.

1.) Spiritually speaking, each of us has something that we are skilled at. Something in our lives as related to our faith, in which we feel confident due to a lifetime of experiences that have built up our knowledge and some level of mastery. A place spiritually where God has tested us and tried us enough times that we have a degree of confidence (not necessarily arrogance though), that stirs within us the feelings of "I can handle this. It's not going to be easy, but I can handle this." Which, again - spiritually speaking, can be both good and bad. Good in the sense of knowing that you've grown in an area, and bad in the sense that the door opens to feel self-reliant, rather than God-reliant (the arrogance part).

2.) It is often when we are in that place, that God brings a storm that is so big that it causes us to question that confidence. God causes us to go through a time where we find out that "Nope, I don't think I can handle this! I'm going to die! Lord, save me!" So maybe, when God brings these big trials, struggles, or losses that threaten to overcome us - God is reminding us that we are still small. And no matter how much we've come through - there are still bigger waves than we know how to handle. And only He has the power to say "Peace! Be still!"

But I also wonder at how His nap beforehand affects us. I think about times when I really have fought and struggled through something spiritually (like I am now). For awhile, it feels like Jesus is off sleeping somewhere, because I feel really alone.

Like take the rest of that passage:
The disciples ask Him, "Don't you care that we're about to drown?!" How many times have I prayed with the spirit of "God, why aren't you fixing this?! Where are you?! Hello??" In my theology, which some may disagree with, I hold to the belief that God sometimes "plays possum". I'm sure other children besides me have done this. (Although I still have no idea, really, why I did/do it!) When my parents would come to wake me up, I pretend to still be sleeping, "play possum".) I remember often being perturbed, because I was semi-awake, knowing that my alarm clock was going to go off pretty soon, but enjoying those last few moments before you have to open your eyes (moments which can be lengthened with a handy- dandy snooze button!) - and their "Kathryn! Get up!" was almost worse than the annoying alarm buzz/beep because it robbed me of that blissful not-so-awake moment prematurely. but at the same time, I kindof knew it was coming. So by pretending to be still sleeping I gave them one last chance to turn around and trust in my ability and wisdom to use an alarm clock. So I wonder if God sometimes "plays possum" to give us one last chance to shut our mouths and trust in His ability and wisdom to direct us through the storms in our lives.

I guess I ask that question because of the end of the passage, where He asks the disciples, "Where is your faith?" Will you ever trust me? Will you ever just sit patiently in the boat and believe that as long as I'm with you, this boat will not sink and you will not drown?!

So let me recap.

• What if God sits back and rests during those times when we are being truly shaken?
• Because it makes us have to rely on Him instead of our own knowledge or confidence.
• And what if He "plays possum" through some of those times of uncertainty and fear as an opportunity for us to choose to have a "childlike faith" and just simply trust?

Here's what I'm imagining at the moment (it's a scary place, so don't say I didn't warn you!). Imagine you get knocked unconscious by someone. When you come to you are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane high above the treetops (but obviously not in the pilot's seat). All of the sudden warning lights start flashing and sirens start sounding, and it becomes obvious that you are going to crash! The plane is going down! But your horror intensifies when you look to the pilot. Because, instead of finding him calling maydays and trying to bring the plane back into flight, he's quietly humming with his eyes closed and his hands crossed behind his head in a thoroughly relaxed position as if he were in a recliner on a Sunday afternoon! You start shaking him and screaming at him to "Do something!" And then he just as casually sits up and speaks into the radio, "OK guys, shut it down." Slowly your horror turns to confusion, and then your confusion to baffled recognition that this whole thing was merely a simulation! A controlled environment. You were never really in a true cockpit, you were never really flying above the trees, and you were never really crashing! And then the pilot turns to you and says, "I wanted to know how much you trusted in me."

I wonder if that's how things are with me and God sometimes. Because I believe that He is sovereign, and therefore, absolutely in control of my situation at all times. And I think that his purpose in sitting back (knowing full well that in a few minutes I will begin freaking out) is not to mock me, not to trivialize the pain and fear that I'm experiencing. It is a test, but not in a sadistic, mean sort of way - but rather as a means of bringing understanding to my eyes and mind of my limited vision. Of my lack of understanding or knowledge of "The Big Picture". And sometimes, no, often times, sadly, He has to say, you still don't really trust me. You say you believe in me, you say you know who I am, and what I'm about - but you don't have faith that I really am those things, that I really am capable of flying an airplane with my eyes closed and my hands behind my head! That I am GOD!

So that's where I am today. Sortof. In the midst of some pretty chaotic, scary, not-so-sure-I-can-handle-this types of things. And God is somewhere between calming the storm and looking at me saying "Where is your faith?" (Or something a little more like "Oh good grief, just trust me! I've got you! You won't drown or crash! I'm here, and that should bring all the confidence, comfort, and hope you need.")