It's been awhile....

....I guess things have just snowballed into crazy busy, instead of just busy. Planning a wedding is hard work - I'm sure any of you who've done it know exactly what I'm talking about. And I think it's harder when your planning for someone else. Because it's not you who has the final say, it's not your ideas that get done (all the time), and I don't know...it's not the big payoff.

I guess there's a part of me that's a little sad in the midst of all the excitement and joy. One, because I'm still struggling through my "it's not fair" issues. Not only with being single and wanting desperately for God to bring that man into my life now. But also with my friend getting to have some privileges in things, getting her way in some things, that I think she should have to sacrifice. I know it's petty, but I don't think she should be allowed to wear a white dress. I know that God's grace and forgiveness can restore our purity. But when I wear my white wedding dress someday, it's because I will truly be pure in every sense of the word on that day. And there are other petty things that have come up along the way that the "heart of stone" part of me wants to say to her, "Get over it, you made some choices that cause you to have to sacrifice some things."

But God is teaching me. Slowly. God is helping me remember that if the roles were reversed, I would want to experience as much of the dream as I could. I would want to be allowed the grace that restores full privileges. So, now I'm telling myself, "Get over it."

And there's still another aspect to my sadness. I have spent a good bit of time, gasoline, money, and work trying to make things happen for her - give her special things that no one else involved in the wedding would have done. I spent hours upon hours making sure the program looked perfect. I spent time and money making special flip-flops for the bridal party. I've chosen to be there for her in ways that at first I didn't think I could bring myself to. And I'm sad because I don't think that anyone will be there when I get married to do these things for me. I don't feel like I have anyone that cares for me as deeply as I care for her and other close friends to make the sacrifices in those areas for my sake.

And I know that sounds awful. Selfish. Arrogant. Because I'm basically saying (and feeling) that no one is as good a friend to me as I am to her. Ugh, just typing it looks bad. But I'm being sincere in my feelings here. I don't have confidence in any of my friends, as great as they (you) are - that you would get off work, exhausted, and drive with less than a half a tank of gas (and no money to fill it up) to Ft Worth to help load (and then unload) a bed that you hooked me up with (even though you wanted it yourself), and all the while you know you won't get much beyond a thank you and a hug in return for all the effort and sacrifice. And maybe you're my friend, reading this, and saying "That's not a fair judgment, I certainly would do that for you." And if you would, I'm sorry for not having more faith in you. And maybe you could be more revealing of that sometime (that sounds pretty horrible too). But I guess I need some friends to restore my faith in them, to give me a reason to hope that someone actually does care for me as deeply as I care for them. That my devotion and the length that I would go for a person isn't one-sided.

Anyways...what a blog. Sorry if this was a downer, or made you feel frustrated with me and my arrogance of what kind of a friend I think I am. I guess I just needed to say it out loud. Why, I'm not sure. Cause it definitely looks even more awful in print than just in my head. But I feel very lonely in the friendship department. Not because I don't have friends. But because I don't feel I have friends who would make great sacrifices when I needed them desperately. I know that if I wasn't working on my friend's wedding, there would be a lot of little details that would just be left undone, because the other people involved have very busy lives, families, demanding jobs, school, or live out of town and can't be here to do it. I guess I'm desperate for a friend who would go to great lengths for me. I want to know I have a friend, even if it's just one, who would drop everything and come over if I was crying, who would come over and make me soup if I was sick, whose boyfriend would always come second to me, and who would let me be a part of something that no one else, or only a select few, is (are) invited to be a part of. Those examples don't scratch the surface of what I really want. I guess in essence, I want to be so close of friends with someone that I am part of their family. Not just in an occassional sense, like "Come to my brother's birthday party" or something, but "Come with us on our family vacation to Hawaii" or something. Something bigger, more meaningful, more intimate. Not so much friend, as sister. Because I've grown up never really having that sister relationship. I do have a sister, but she is 13 years older than me, and treats me more like we're in a mother-child relationship than sister-to-sister. Especially since we don't have a history of closeness, there aren't any stories of life together. When I went into kindergarden, she graduated from high school.

I guess that's the heart of it. I want a relationship that we are there for each other through the thick and thin of it. And no matter what, we count on one another. I want a "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants", or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood", or Anne and Diana "Bosom Friends" (Anne of Green Gables) kind of frienship.

So that's where I am tonight. Heavy, I know. And I don't know if God will ever bring that kind of relationship into my life. It takes years to build. And I've recently discovered that those who have the years behind us, aren't ready to be that kind of a friend for me. And I have to be ok with that. But I'm still sad. And I get sad every time I watch one of those movies, because I feel the hole more and more deeply. So I mostly pray that I have a daughter some day, and that she will be in a position to have that kind of friendship with someone, or a few girls, that will last well into adulthood.