An Addendum

After Joel's comment to my previous post I feel that it is important that I say this:

By no means did I intend to say that those who have messed up sexually in the past are forever and always no longer entitled to the fruits of God's grace and forgiveness, such as wearing a white wedding dress. I know that God is redemptive and restorative, those are his purposes for all humanity since Adam and Eve's fall, on a very intimate and personal level. So please don't hear me say that if you had premarital sex in the past, and now you are walking rightly with the Lord (either again or as a new Christian), that you are to forever lose the opportunity to present yourself as a radiant and pure bride.

My struggle with my friend is that she is 5 months pregnant as she walks down the aisle in her snowy white gown. And therein lies my internal struggle. That the grace and forgiveness and restoration and redemption that I've just talked about applies to her also, even in her present situation; not demonstrating her faith through her obedience to God and His desire for sexual purity before marriage - which is very immediate and recent. Not a mistake of the past, but a mistake of the present. That is why I struggle with her, specifically, choosing to wear white.

And please, please, please hear me on this. It is my struggle! I am not condoning or justifying it's right-ness that I feel this way, I am simply stating those feelings in humble honesty. My intent in saying all that I did was not to "air her dirty laundry" or anything. I was simply journaling about the current flaws of my heart, and the areas in my life where I still need to line my heart up with the mind and heart of Christ and His amazing grace!

So I beg you to read my previous post through the perspective of the author's intent. My heart is more broken than you probably know over my bitterness, self-righteousness, and lack of grace. Grace is a quality that I desperately wish exuded from the essence of my being. And I'm hopeful that one day it will, that it will be the most natural thing in the world for me to extend grace to anyone and everyone - because we all (myself especially) so desperately need it.

Bear with me as I bear the uglinesses in my soul. I don't know why this is such a safe place for me to journal the way I do. I guess because I hope that someone out there will either identify with me, edify me with wisdom from similar circumstances, or will benefit from seeing that Christians are not perfect, and this one doesn't claim to be. I know how fallen I am. I know how far from God's character I am. And if people who don't believe in Jesus as God's own Son, sent to redeem us, read my blog, at least they'll know there's one Christian out there who doesn't claim to have it all together. Who is forthcoming and honest about the struggle between what I should think and feel and say vs. what I actually think, feel, and say.

As for my best friend, and mom/bride-to-be:
If you do read my blog, I hope that you can forgive my trespasses on your story. I hope that you see that God is working fervently to change my heart toward you and your situation. And we both know that I've grown a lot since the beginning of all this. But I've been a self-righteous Christian for a long time, and it's going to take Him a lot of time, and work, to get me where I need to be. So please be patient with me. And please try as hard as you can to not take offense too easily at the bearing of my soul when it comes to my thoughts and feelings about it all. Our friendship has undergone some major battle attacks. But I am so thankful and proud of us for working together to come through it like we have. A bit scarred and bruised, but together, fighting on the same side. Let's take the Enemy down together, and do our victory dance in front of him - because the Lord is mighty in battle, and able to save! He will fight for us!