Being Vulnerable....

Have you ever stood face to face with the person who is your "Ideal", and thought that maybe, just maybe, God might actually say "Yes!".... but then start to wonder what the crap you were thinking? Why on earth would God actually give you what you want? How could you possibly think that you are enough for the person who is everything you desire in a mate?

Well, that's where I am tonight. Scared to death that I've let myself go much too far in entertaining thoughts that the man who I have loved for as long as I can remember, who is everything I want my husband to be, everything that I've prayed for....that he might actually return my feelings.

Because I'm sick to my stomach with the idea that....what if he doesn't? What if I've seen over time how much of him I desperately desire, and have allowed myself to give room for hope that God might actually say "Yes!" regarding this one, only for that dream to be shattered by the fist of reality?

This, my dear friends, is why God wants us to guard our hearts. Because I swore I'd never allow myself to get here again. I'd never let myself imagine what could be. I promised I'd give up on the daydreams of spending the rest of my life with anyone I was interested in. "It's too much pressure" would be the easy thing to say. But the reality is that it's too much pain, because I'm always let down. And I'm terrified that I've ended up in the place I swore I'd never let myself come back to. Trying desperately to hold on to my heart with the tips of my fingers.

Satan is trying desperately to convince me of the lie once again. The one that I've been jipped into believing for so long. That I am not enough, and too much, for any man. That I will never be what any guy is looking for. That I'm not anyone's Ideal.

But if I'm honest, it's so much more than that. It's so much more immediate than that. Because this guy in particular is the one I've wanted for as long as I've known him, practically. And somehow I allowed myself the glimmer of hope that I might actually be what he wants, too. I know that he cherishes me as a friend. And I know that that should be what I care about most in my relationship with him. But I'm scared to death that this other girl who he's also good friends with might win his heart. I can't compete with her. She's everything I'm not. Skinny, beautiful, quiet, funny in a charming sort of way....

Grrr.

Lord, I need affirmation tonight. I need to be reminded that I am worthy of a man's romantic love. That I do deserve the kind of guy that he is. And that you will bring me someone like that, even if it's not him. Who will far exceed my expectations, if only I will wait for it. Help me know that. I know I have Your love. And I know that Laura was right when she said that that is all the love I need. But it's not all the love I want. And maybe that's wrong of me. Maybe those feelings have to go. But I know in the depth of me that I was not intended for singleness forever. And I don't know when you have planned for the day to come for it to end. And that's ok. At least I know tomorrow when I wake up that I'm one day closer!

Help me guard my heart, Lord. I've failed at that so far. I can't do that in my own strength, for sure! Cause I sure as heck have tried! And Lord - if this other girl is who you have for him instead of me, if any other girl is who you have for him, help me be really and truly happy for him when that relationship comes. Help me be wholeheartedly, honestly excited for him when that relationship comes. You've helped me see in other similar situations why I wasn't intended to be with the guy I was crushing on. If that's the case here, then do it again please.

But Lord, one more thing. Can he please be the one You have for me? He really does fit the bill! He really is absolutely amazing. He is an honest to goodness spiritual leader, even as my friend. Everything that matters - he fulfills. He's solid. His relationship with you is firm. He's humble. He's kind. And when he looks in my eyes, I know that he cherishes me. And wow, what a feeling.

But you know all that right? :o) After all, You created all that about him. He's Yours. And so am I. So, in the words of one of my favorite songs:

So do what you will. Do what you want. I have decided to trust You only. I want to be, whatever You're wanting. You are the Lord of my life.