I've been hesitant to journal about this for awhile. But it's invaded my thoughts so much, I know I won't sleep tonight if I don't get it written out.
Did you ever pray that God would tell you your future? Who you'd marry, what your life would look like down the road, how many kids you'll have, where you'll live? Any of that?
Well, I did. And people convinced me back then that He'd never
actually tell you!
But I believe they were
wrong.
I believe God has revealed something to me about my future. About something I desperately wanted to know, once upon a time. I believe He's told me who I will marry. And I think most girls would get excited about having that knowledge. But in reality, it's torture.
I should explain here, that I asked God about a certain man. A man who is everything I want. Who is
who I want. And I believe God's response to be:
"Yes, but wait."The first problem with that response is that I've spent the better part of the last several months
hoping it's true while
fearing that it was really
my voice that spoke, not His.
The second problem is that,
now that I believe it really was Him and not me, I have to deal with the
"wait" part.
And so tonight, I identify very much with Abraham, Sarah, Noah, and so many others who were given a promise by God, but had to wait for an indefinite amount of time to see it come to pass. And the hard part is two-fold. To
not follow in Abraham and Sarah's footsteps, by trying to accomplish it in my timing, by my means, and thus making a huge mess and longer wait. But also, like Noah, to
not give in to the doubts of others.
Because while it is in my nature to manipulate and maneuver, it is also in my nature to be more inclined to believe my friends when they say, "Well, maybe it won't
actually be _________, but he'll be
like him." or "Even if it's not ________, you will have the
kind of man that he is." But for me, in this case, that's not faith. That's not where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to believe. And I'm not saying that's true for everyone. But I know that God has specifically said "yes" regarding my future with this specific person.
I know tonight how hard faith really is. Which I guess is in reality a
huge step for me in this walk of mine. Because faith has been the one thing that has always come so easily for me. Faith was what I felt confident I did well, in the midst of so many other spiritual failures and struggles. I guess I'm more like the Israelites than I'd care to admit. Because I have no problem believing that God
can do things. Like them, I'd have no problem believing that God
could make
rain flood the earth, or the
sea part in two, or an
only child resurrect from the dead - before ever seeing or experiencing or hearing about those things before.
In a modern context - I've never had a problem believing in the difficult things of scripture. I don't get hung up on details that often cause doubts or struggles for so many others. But I guess, like the Israelites, when it comes to
trusting God in advance, that's a lot harder.
And I'm starting to feel like the path to get there is as "pointlessly" twisting and frustrating as the road to the Promised Land must've appeared to God's chosen people back in the day. Because I have no idea how long this will take, and what battles have to be fought between here and there. No clue as to what giants have to be overcome, territory gained, or walls knocked down. I'm as near-sighted as they were...because all I see are giants, an endless horizon, and very large sturdy walls that a cannon couldn't do severe damage to, much less marching and shouting.
So my faith is really being stretched. Because now I have to live, knowing that something great awaits me in the future, in God's timing, and there's nothing I can do to get there faster. And I guess what's hardest is that from my perspective right now, it seems so unlikely to actually come true. This person is a dear friend, but not at all interested in me in this way. So trusting that God's going to put these emotions into his heart someday, really is like moving a mountain. And yet, God says that that only requires faith the size of a mustard seed. Which is good, because that feels like the size of a peach seed from my current perspective. So, at least it doesn't demand as much faith as it
feels like it does.
I guess I felt like writing about this here in case anyone out there is wishing this. That God would tell them something about their future, thinking that it will make the wait of getting there easier. That is a lie! It's harder. And for whatever reason, God in His sovereignty, felt compelled to grant my request. And I'm glad that my faith will grow in this. And I'm glad that one day I will have an amazing story to tell of waiting on God's timing, and the struggle and blessing that that is. But I want to warn you if you are so inclined to be where I am. It's not all roses and chocolate.
This will not be an easy road. And I will struggle against the part of me that is so like Sarah. (See Genesis 15-18, 21) The part of me that will try to do it my way, in my timing. It is so tempting. I do not look down on her for the choices she made, because except for God's grace, I would make the same mistakes.
So pray for me, if you will, that God's grace will cover me during this time. Pray that I will choose to keep the faith, no matter how difficult it gets. That I will not lose sight of God's promise, grow weary of waiting, and choose a different, and even more difficult path in the long run. And pray for my friends, to have faith with me - that it's not as far-fetched as it sounds. God might actually give me a promise that will require much faith, testing, endurance, and seem rediculously hopeless in the meantime. In my opinion, that seems just like something He
would do! It fits His character.
