One Horrible Morning

This is the day the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:2

It's an odd thing to quote that verse today. It's been a hard day to rejoice in. We celebrated my friend's bachelorette party last night (the one I've been blogging about). It started off as a fun evening of dinner and drinks, and a scavenger hunt. Then we went back to another friend's house to spend the rest of the night and the next day laughing and doing crazy-silly girly things as long as we could maintain consciousness.

But then the unthinkable and unexpected happened. While we were dancing and laughing, Shannon, the girl whose house we were at, was at the stove making chocolate fondue. And in the most horrific moment, she went into a seizure that sent her crashing onto her tile kitchen floor.

The images of those next few minutes, that seemed like hours, of panic, disbelief, fear, etc. refuse to be untatooed from my mind. It was awful. She didn't breathe for two and a half to three minutes. She turned a very severe purple. I don't want to recount the rest, because it's bad enough that I can't erase it from my mind.

Praise be to God alone that he used our feeble bodies and minds to work together to give her an opportunity to bring air into her lungs, and that He Himself breathed into her nostrils that life-bringing oxygen.

I am so thankful for who God placed around Shannon during that time. I'm so thankful that it happened when it did - that there were so many of us there to help, and to offer a unique gift to the situation. One gifted with calm and preparation for that exact crisis, one level-headed and able to give orders, one whose very presence helped us move into quick action, one with strength to gently manuever a limp body....the list goes on....but most importantly, all of us with hearts and spirits tuned into the Father in immediate prayer.

And I'm thankful that three of us stayed the night.

Because a short 9 hours later, after we had begun a drowsy morning, and recounting our late-night drama to Shannon who didn't remember much, she fell again. In the kitchen again.

But this time we knew. She looked into her friend's eyes the exact same way she had the night before. And our reaction time was 10 times better than it had been the first time. With the presence of a nurturing mother, and three friends who by God's grace of experience knew exactly how to act - her consciousness came much more quickly. Her loss of air was minimal. And this time, there was no doubt that a trip to the ER was immediately necessary.

Her mom also informed us of a disease that Shannon has that none of us knew about. I can't remember the name of it - neuro fibro-something - but basically she has tumors growing on her nerves, all over her body. They found one on her hip while she was in college I think. There's no definitive word yet as to whether or not that caused the seizures. But I wouldn't be shocked if that had something to do with it.

So my heart goes out to Shannon today. Please pray for her. Pray for her healing. Her life was forever changed this morning. Her level of independence from this point on is greatly reduced. We are all so thankful that God placed us in the position of presence that He so sovereignly did. We are so thankful it happened in her home and not while we were at the restuarant or in the car (Shannon was one of the drivers). And oddly enough, we are so thankful that it happened twice so that there was no excuse for her to wait any longer to get things checked out.

But Shannon has a long road, so pray for us too, that we will be faithful friends. That we will be able to assist her in anything she needs. And pray that Shannon will accept and concede to our help. She is a very independent woman. I know that will be a struggle for her.

And pray for my and several others' dreams. The images from early this morning are not easy to erase. And sleep hasn't come so easily today. Pray that we will allow these events to change us in positive ways. And pray that somehow we will be able to rejoice that today was as much as any day, a day created by God, and therefore a day of rejoicing. Whatever that looks like.

An Addendum

After Joel's comment to my previous post I feel that it is important that I say this:

By no means did I intend to say that those who have messed up sexually in the past are forever and always no longer entitled to the fruits of God's grace and forgiveness, such as wearing a white wedding dress. I know that God is redemptive and restorative, those are his purposes for all humanity since Adam and Eve's fall, on a very intimate and personal level. So please don't hear me say that if you had premarital sex in the past, and now you are walking rightly with the Lord (either again or as a new Christian), that you are to forever lose the opportunity to present yourself as a radiant and pure bride.

My struggle with my friend is that she is 5 months pregnant as she walks down the aisle in her snowy white gown. And therein lies my internal struggle. That the grace and forgiveness and restoration and redemption that I've just talked about applies to her also, even in her present situation; not demonstrating her faith through her obedience to God and His desire for sexual purity before marriage - which is very immediate and recent. Not a mistake of the past, but a mistake of the present. That is why I struggle with her, specifically, choosing to wear white.

And please, please, please hear me on this. It is my struggle! I am not condoning or justifying it's right-ness that I feel this way, I am simply stating those feelings in humble honesty. My intent in saying all that I did was not to "air her dirty laundry" or anything. I was simply journaling about the current flaws of my heart, and the areas in my life where I still need to line my heart up with the mind and heart of Christ and His amazing grace!

So I beg you to read my previous post through the perspective of the author's intent. My heart is more broken than you probably know over my bitterness, self-righteousness, and lack of grace. Grace is a quality that I desperately wish exuded from the essence of my being. And I'm hopeful that one day it will, that it will be the most natural thing in the world for me to extend grace to anyone and everyone - because we all (myself especially) so desperately need it.

Bear with me as I bear the uglinesses in my soul. I don't know why this is such a safe place for me to journal the way I do. I guess because I hope that someone out there will either identify with me, edify me with wisdom from similar circumstances, or will benefit from seeing that Christians are not perfect, and this one doesn't claim to be. I know how fallen I am. I know how far from God's character I am. And if people who don't believe in Jesus as God's own Son, sent to redeem us, read my blog, at least they'll know there's one Christian out there who doesn't claim to have it all together. Who is forthcoming and honest about the struggle between what I should think and feel and say vs. what I actually think, feel, and say.

As for my best friend, and mom/bride-to-be:
If you do read my blog, I hope that you can forgive my trespasses on your story. I hope that you see that God is working fervently to change my heart toward you and your situation. And we both know that I've grown a lot since the beginning of all this. But I've been a self-righteous Christian for a long time, and it's going to take Him a lot of time, and work, to get me where I need to be. So please be patient with me. And please try as hard as you can to not take offense too easily at the bearing of my soul when it comes to my thoughts and feelings about it all. Our friendship has undergone some major battle attacks. But I am so thankful and proud of us for working together to come through it like we have. A bit scarred and bruised, but together, fighting on the same side. Let's take the Enemy down together, and do our victory dance in front of him - because the Lord is mighty in battle, and able to save! He will fight for us!

It's been awhile....

....I guess things have just snowballed into crazy busy, instead of just busy. Planning a wedding is hard work - I'm sure any of you who've done it know exactly what I'm talking about. And I think it's harder when your planning for someone else. Because it's not you who has the final say, it's not your ideas that get done (all the time), and I don't know...it's not the big payoff.

I guess there's a part of me that's a little sad in the midst of all the excitement and joy. One, because I'm still struggling through my "it's not fair" issues. Not only with being single and wanting desperately for God to bring that man into my life now. But also with my friend getting to have some privileges in things, getting her way in some things, that I think she should have to sacrifice. I know it's petty, but I don't think she should be allowed to wear a white dress. I know that God's grace and forgiveness can restore our purity. But when I wear my white wedding dress someday, it's because I will truly be pure in every sense of the word on that day. And there are other petty things that have come up along the way that the "heart of stone" part of me wants to say to her, "Get over it, you made some choices that cause you to have to sacrifice some things."

But God is teaching me. Slowly. God is helping me remember that if the roles were reversed, I would want to experience as much of the dream as I could. I would want to be allowed the grace that restores full privileges. So, now I'm telling myself, "Get over it."

And there's still another aspect to my sadness. I have spent a good bit of time, gasoline, money, and work trying to make things happen for her - give her special things that no one else involved in the wedding would have done. I spent hours upon hours making sure the program looked perfect. I spent time and money making special flip-flops for the bridal party. I've chosen to be there for her in ways that at first I didn't think I could bring myself to. And I'm sad because I don't think that anyone will be there when I get married to do these things for me. I don't feel like I have anyone that cares for me as deeply as I care for her and other close friends to make the sacrifices in those areas for my sake.

And I know that sounds awful. Selfish. Arrogant. Because I'm basically saying (and feeling) that no one is as good a friend to me as I am to her. Ugh, just typing it looks bad. But I'm being sincere in my feelings here. I don't have confidence in any of my friends, as great as they (you) are - that you would get off work, exhausted, and drive with less than a half a tank of gas (and no money to fill it up) to Ft Worth to help load (and then unload) a bed that you hooked me up with (even though you wanted it yourself), and all the while you know you won't get much beyond a thank you and a hug in return for all the effort and sacrifice. And maybe you're my friend, reading this, and saying "That's not a fair judgment, I certainly would do that for you." And if you would, I'm sorry for not having more faith in you. And maybe you could be more revealing of that sometime (that sounds pretty horrible too). But I guess I need some friends to restore my faith in them, to give me a reason to hope that someone actually does care for me as deeply as I care for them. That my devotion and the length that I would go for a person isn't one-sided.

Anyways...what a blog. Sorry if this was a downer, or made you feel frustrated with me and my arrogance of what kind of a friend I think I am. I guess I just needed to say it out loud. Why, I'm not sure. Cause it definitely looks even more awful in print than just in my head. But I feel very lonely in the friendship department. Not because I don't have friends. But because I don't feel I have friends who would make great sacrifices when I needed them desperately. I know that if I wasn't working on my friend's wedding, there would be a lot of little details that would just be left undone, because the other people involved have very busy lives, families, demanding jobs, school, or live out of town and can't be here to do it. I guess I'm desperate for a friend who would go to great lengths for me. I want to know I have a friend, even if it's just one, who would drop everything and come over if I was crying, who would come over and make me soup if I was sick, whose boyfriend would always come second to me, and who would let me be a part of something that no one else, or only a select few, is (are) invited to be a part of. Those examples don't scratch the surface of what I really want. I guess in essence, I want to be so close of friends with someone that I am part of their family. Not just in an occassional sense, like "Come to my brother's birthday party" or something, but "Come with us on our family vacation to Hawaii" or something. Something bigger, more meaningful, more intimate. Not so much friend, as sister. Because I've grown up never really having that sister relationship. I do have a sister, but she is 13 years older than me, and treats me more like we're in a mother-child relationship than sister-to-sister. Especially since we don't have a history of closeness, there aren't any stories of life together. When I went into kindergarden, she graduated from high school.

I guess that's the heart of it. I want a relationship that we are there for each other through the thick and thin of it. And no matter what, we count on one another. I want a "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants", or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood", or Anne and Diana "Bosom Friends" (Anne of Green Gables) kind of frienship.

So that's where I am tonight. Heavy, I know. And I don't know if God will ever bring that kind of relationship into my life. It takes years to build. And I've recently discovered that those who have the years behind us, aren't ready to be that kind of a friend for me. And I have to be ok with that. But I'm still sad. And I get sad every time I watch one of those movies, because I feel the hole more and more deeply. So I mostly pray that I have a daughter some day, and that she will be in a position to have that kind of friendship with someone, or a few girls, that will last well into adulthood.

A Toast: To God's Grace! (yet again)

Well, I'm kinda wondering when the conviction train is gonna leave the station!

Yesterday I worked from 9 am until after 5:30 pm. Which for most is a normal workday. But life is different at a rec center. Especially when you're trying to organize a chaotic closet of games, puzzles, shirts, sports equipment, and such that people donate by the box-full! (In the midst of all the other stuff, like people constantly needing to be greeted when they come to work out.) So I was pretty tired by 5, and ready to go home and relax for a bit (until the college Bible study at 7pm) and let someone else take over. But then the two people who were supposed to show up for the night shift, didn't. I knew I couldn't stay (we don't have paid overtime), at least not on the clock, and I had specifically asked for Thurs. nights off so I could go to this Bible study. But I felt horrible that my boss would have to be there all night himself. (He's got a wife and three kids that need him to come home every once in a while.) But, he insisted, and I want and need to be with my college students. Anyways. I was frustrated and angry. I should have been understanding of both those people's situations, but I wasn't. Flat out. I was unmerciful, once again.

So, today, I hung out with one of them. And when she said that she was thinking about quitting, I said (altogether too quickly and with a distinct joyful attitude), "Ok.", before I even pondered a good response. I think she was a little taken aback at how I responded. (Don't blame her!) So anyways, I recounted the story that no one showed up, and our boss had to stay himself. And she's pregnant and hormonal right now, so she started to cry. At first I was glad for her remorse. Because she had made the commitment to be there. And quite frankly, I am still learning how to be compassionate on this pregnancy thing. And I know that I won't truly empathize until I go through it myself and learn the hard way just how hard of a process it is. And so part of me is mad at myself, for being such a jerk.

So, the rest of the story is that our friend who was with us began comforting her, telling her not to beat herself up, that it's ok. That friend has been pregnant. And so I thank God for her. Because that's what my friend needs. So I'm a little more mad at myself, that I'm still not as good a friend as I used to think I was. I still have not be reformed and redeemed in the realm of friendship. Because I really want her to stop using the "pregnancy card" as her default excuse. And I know that's because I don't understand. I know that that's my foolishness talking. And I know one day I will want to use that card, because it will be the truth. Pregnancy makes you crazy! So today I empathize with husbands and fathers.

But our friend said something to her that really made me think hard about her situation, about feeling sick all the time and skipping out on work and such. She said, "If your baby was a toddler throwing up at home or needing your care, you wouldn't think twice about calling into work to take care of him or her. And just because this baby is still inside you, when you feel like you do, the baby needs your care, your full attention, to meet its needs. So if you have to call in, it's legitimate. Don't beat yourself up for it - you didn't know the situation at work, you only knew your situation and what you needed to do for you and the baby. You have no reason to feel guilty for that."

And while there is still the "never-been-pregnant" part of me that just wants to say, that's overdoing it a little, there's a deeper part of me that was convicted by our friend's compassion and wisdom. Because she needs encouragement. Not me telling her how she failed or let people down. She's had plenty of that coming at her already. Especially from me.

So anyways. Thank you, Lord, for mercy - especially for self-righteous me. I need your help, I need your compassion and mercy. My friend desperately needs it from me, and only you can give it to her through me. I don't have it in and of myself.

And hopefully she will find it in her to show me kindnesses that I have not shown her, when the roles are reversed. But if she doesn't I know I deserve it. But I know her, and I know she will, and for that I'm thankful too. Because I don't deserve it.

So that's it. I'm a jerk. And a royal one today. Even if most of it was never said out loud, she knows me, and she knows what I'm thinking without me saying it. And I'm sure she was pretty hurt that I thought it. I can't take it back, but I can move forward, and work at being more compassionate and understanding of her situation.

If you're a friend of mine, reading this, I just want to say thanks for being a friend who loves at all times. Cause I'm sure I've been a royal jerk to you too at some point or another. And you've obviously overlooked that fault if you're still a friend today. I appreciate that, and I need it! Cause I'm human. And I know that I'm doomed to be a jerk again at some point in the future. So thanks in advance for choosing to forgive me then too, I'll need it! And I'll need you, and regret my actions and attitude then like I do tonight. So hold on, and stick with me - God's not done with me yet, so with your prayers those incidents will become fewer and father between, as God shapes and molds me into a reflection of His character!

And thank you, Lord, for grace.

Jesus Loves Dirty Roses!

Well, it's been a rather lazy Monday, which is nice...since we all know how fun Mondays are. I should have been out on a jobhunt today, but takin it easy was more enticing! I spent the better part of the morning listening to sermons online by my college minister while I was at ACU, Matt Chandler. I know that doesn't float many people's boats, but he is an incredible speaker - and his sermons aren't preachy, they're more like a conversation! Anyways - it's been awhile since I've gotten so much out of Scripture! He definitely knows how to make the word come off the page and get you off your butt when it comes to your faith!

The sermons I listened to were a three-part series on "Sex" out of Song of Solomon and Genesis 1. And while it sounds like it might be a steamy subject, it was based around the idea that the church has done a horrible job of portraying God's thoughts on the subject to the world more than any other. We have portrayed God to be a pleasure-killer. Matt makes the comment, "It's not like he created Adam and Eve, looked away for a bit, turned to find them in the midst of sex and said 'Whoa, what are you doing? NO! That is not what you're supposed to be doing!'"

Anyways, so the sermons were more of a revelation of how the church needs to present the idea of God's thoughts on sex to the world. He talks in Part 1 about a friend of his from college at HSU (also in Abilene) who, in her singleness was obviously struggling against purity in light of her young daughter and new baby. At one point she went with him and some of their friends to a concert of an old friend of his that also had a guy giving a sermon afterwards. The sermon dealt with purity. And so he used the illustration of taking a beautiful white rose, and asked the teenagers to pass it around and smell and touch it. While they were passing it around he talked about STD statistics and such. Of course at the end he asked them to pass the rose back up to him from wherever it was, and as expected it was in pretty bad shape. And the guy, in true "True Love Waits" form, asks the audience of teens who would want to take the mutilated rose home? Of course, no one volunteers, thus proving his point. Matt thought that his friend's silence on the drive back to HSU was testimony that God was convicting her. Months went by, without mention of that incident, but they remained friends and hung out and talked as normal. One night after a couple days of her being absent from class, he called her only to find her mom's voice on the other end, who explained that she was in ICU. Matt found out that she had gone to a bar, gotten drunk, gotten in the car with some guys she didn't know, and when they tried to take advantage of her she fought to the point that threw her out on the small highway while the car was moving. After some time she woke up, and she asked Matt a question he'd never expected. "Do you see me as a dirty rose?"

Matt reflected in his sermon, "Who wants the dirty rose?", in echo of the words of that young preacher years ago. After looking at the woman caught in adultery in John 8, the woman at the well in John 4, and the sinful woman who annointed Jesus' feet at the Pharisee's house in Luke 7 - of course the answer is obvious, Jesus does! But how many of us grew up hearing sermons like those Matt and his friends attended, and grew seeds of self-righteousness from it? I know I did.

God has been teaching me, revealing to me, over and over the signs of my self-righteousness. And for the first time today I could face it with peace. My response to God, "Thank you, Lord, for showing me that I'm still healing, still on the road to recovery from that path of sin." For the first time, I was not pounded with shame and guilt for my self-righteousness, but rather quietly and gently convicted - in such a way that I saw the light of hope in me that I'm moving away from it. That I still have a ways to go, but at least my eyes are opened to it, and my heart is determined to run away from that, and toward offering mercy and grace.

If that girl's story resonates with you in any way, I hope you hear me speak God's truth to you today, that He loves, collects, and restores, and displays dirty roses. And that you are not alone. We are all of us dirty roses in some way, even if not because of sexual sin. The Bible says in Romans 3:23 that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. But the exciting news comes in verse 24, that we are also justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus! I hope you experience the joy that comes from that good news today. If you don't please email me so I can share with you how God can give you peace and remove all the shame and guilt of your past mistakes! I can tell you about it only because I've experienced it. I have a history with deep scars left by the abuse and neglect of men, but also the restoration and healing of God because of Jesus!

One more thing...

...Michigan is home to one of my two favorite flowers! The iris! This happens to be called the Dwarf Lake Iris (pictured left) . . . it's now endangered, and has become Michigan's State Wildflower! Isn't it beautiful! In case you were wondering, my other favorite flower is the Calla Lily (pictured above).

Thought you'd like to know that! :o)

A Week in Michigan

I've been absent from the blogging scene, because I've been hanging out on the lakes of Michigan for the past week on a family vacation!! It was much fun!

Here's a recap of my week:
Day 1, Fri, July1 - One day trip to Knoxville, TN (we left at 4:30 am CST and arrived at 8 pm ET) to meet up with my sister and brother-in-law (we drove from Texas and they drove from Florida), and spend the evening with some family friends from my parents college days. I got to see their (sister and bro-in-law) new (sortof, he's 10 months old now) golden retriever, Dalton (so named because they got him in Dalton, GA)!

Day 2, Sat, July2 - One day trip to Michigan (left at 7:30, yay for sleeping in!, and arrived at 10 pm). I got to stop at White Castle! If you don't know what that is, you need to visit the north and check it out, you can't eat less than 5 of these little burgers if you want to satisfy any kind of hunger! We got settled into our lakeside cabin and finally ready for bed around 1 am!

Day 3 - I found the hammock!! Oh what a wonderful, peaceful, and beautiful morning! Reading and napping on a hammock has got to be one of my Top 5 Favorite Ways to Spend My Time! Especially with the view I had! Then we had lunch at a restaurant called Apache Trout Grill, and I had fresh Walleye (type of fish) for the first time, yumm yumm!! Also got to experience part of the annual Cherry Festival in Traverse City - I love cherries!!

Day 4 - Happy Fourth of July!! We woke up to the sounds of an intense rainstorm at like 5 am, and going downstairs to go to the bathroom I fell down the stairs and sliced the bottom of my foot open among some other bruises! I love being accident prone, really! (It's still pretty tender even now.) We had a late afternoon cookout to celebrate the holiday. Fun stuff! Then we went and watched the firework show over Lake Michigan late that night! Very beautiful!!

Day 5 - Went on a Petoskey stone hunt at Torch Lake. It was a wonderful time with my bro-in-law's uncle and aunt! While at the beach I had an incredible time of worship. As I was kneeling in the sand looking for Petoskeys I was overwhelmed by God and just had to sit and meet with him while staring at the waves crashing on the shore! Except for the lack of salty air, one would think she was staring at an ocean, not a lake!! After lunch we headed back and had a quiet evening at the cabin, and went out on the boat fishing for a little while! No catch though. :o(

Day 6 - My last day to hang out. Thought I would go fishing but ended up spending the day shopping in Downtown (in the midst of the Cherry Festival) with my parents and my bro-in-law's mom, a wonderfully sweet woman! Even though it wasn't fishing or canoeing, it was still fun, especially to spend the day with her! We had another cookout by the lake, but much more intimate since most of the extended family had left or dispersed back to their own family time. And then we ended the night with a bonfire, complete with s'mores and toasted marshmallows! It was a wonderful day and a beautiful evening!

Day 7 - Got up and finished packing. Had to leave for the airport by 11:30, to be ready for a 1:50 flight back to Dallas. Unfortunately there were storms here at the time, so my flight got delayed 2 hours, so I got to spend a little bit more time in Michigan, shopping! I finally arrived at 5:50 that night and went to Backstage, our college students' Bible study and fellowship on Thursday nights.

So, what a week! It was a fun time of getting to know an extension of our family, who are now very dear to me! :o) We had a wonderful time! The weather was wonderfully cool and mostly sunny, being on a lake up there is awesome, and the experiences and memories I will treasure for a lifetime! I miss those friends and that place already!