"In Sickness and In Health"

Well, today is the first day I've been in a sitting position for longer than 2 minutes, since Thursday afternoon. I don't know what I got, but it was not fun, and it definitely lasted longer than the 24 hours it was supposed to! And I'm still struggling with the remains of some infection or something in my throat. But at least the throwing up is over, I think the fever is finally gone, and I'm not dizzy and weak anymore! I'm still on a regular schedule of Tylenol! And Jello and other soft foods are very much my friends. Swallowing of any kind, however, is not.

I hate being sick. I hate missing work when you can't afford to (literally). I hate feeling like crap. I hate not being able to sit up, but being so uncomfortable laying down. If I've gotten even a small taste of morning sickness, the I say "I'll pass, thanks". Cause I definitely don't want to feel this way for months at a time (two days was way too long).

And I realize that I don't have a lot to complain about. I have a friend who is currently pregnant, and she has been dealing with morning sickness for the last 3 1/2 months. And another pregnant friend who is on bedrest with so many complications and concerns for the baby's health. I have another friend, Jessica, who is fighting a battle with breast cancer. And I know she feels more crappy than I ever have after her chemo treatments. And still another friend, Olivia, climbs mountains every day, under the weight of her disease - Lupus (Systemic Lupus Nephritis, to be exact).

So here I sit, moaning and groaning about my unpleasant (at most) 2 days, while at least two of my friends are fighting for their lives. And another two are fighting for their babies to be born healthy and safe. And I am constantly amazed that God is in the midst of us all. That He cared just as much about my pain and discomfort the last two days as He does for those four friends in their ongoing struggles and pains.

It never ceases to amaze me that it is while I'm throwing up that Satan, like Job's wife in the Bible, tells me to "curse God and die". He taunts me when I am most in need of God's hand, to slap it away. I love Job's response to his wife, "Should we accept good from God's hand, but not trouble?" And it fills me with joy that it is during those times, when I say "I will not", that my mind is flooded with praise and worship songs. Almost as a heavenly response to trust God's presence in the midst of the bad also, come words of truth of God's character and praiseworthy-ness. Because that's really what Job's story was about. Not as a guidebook on how to endure suffering or even as a promise of being blessed 10-fold in the end if we stand firm. But rather a testimony that God is worthy to be praised - even in the midst of suffering. It was God who was on trial, not Job. Job was merely the vessel through whom God would make his case: that He is holy, good, and worthy of praise and glory, even if we do not receive blessings from His hand; even if all we experience is suffering and loss.

I know that my friends are discovering this truth about God's goodness. I know that I learn to believe it more and more every day - especially through each trial and struggle. I hope that He is showing you this too, that He is trustworthy, and praiseworthy, even when things aren't peachy. Even when life truly sucks. Even when you're puking your guts up. Even when you don't have a clue how to pay off your debts. Even when things are at their most possible worst. He's there, in the midst of you, ready to provide the hope that "this too shall pass", tomorrow is a new day, with new hopes, and even if the problems of yesterday aren't gone, you will be given the strength to get through it, to work through them. It really is true: "When you are weak, He is strong!" Believe it, experience it, test it, trust it, know it. The Lord fights for you, He is strong in battle, and mighty to save.

Freedom, Truth, and a Soapbox!

A burden was lifted from me yesterday. It was an amazing thing. It was truly the proverbial "weight being lifted off my shoulders". No lie.

I was sitting on my floor, trying desperately to find my Titanic soundtrack, to no avail, because it was the only symphony that would vastly sum up my emotions. The song, called "Rose" on the soundtrack - the haunting, beautiful sound of woodwinds and violins - was the only thing that ran through my head that could articulate how I felt. It's amazing how music can do such a thing. Alas, I never found the blasted CD - I'm still seething about that one.

But as I was rummaging under my bed for any box or container that might hold my missing CD - I came across the box that contains my journals. The ones that never get filled up because I hate journaling. (Which is why my consistency, thus far, with blogging is truly an astonishing thing to me. Although, at least in part, I've figured out why that is. . . and I'll tell you if you really want to know, but it's boring, unrelated details at present.)

In the midst of reading some of my old journal entries - most of which centered around my current struggle over the current love of the month. What a saga I make of it! Anyways...at the very back I found two things. One, a song that a friend of mine wrote that I have been searching for for months now, and aching to remember the words to, so we could sing it (he wrote it, and couldn't remember the words!). And the other, two small pieces of paper on which were written the most wonderful words. Notes from my sisters in my college sorority ("social club", whatever) - came great encouragement. And although one may think it highly vain - reading those words of affirmation, of who I am, of what kind of person they saw me as. . . it's so hard to explain. They told me how much they look up to me, admire me, see Christ in me every time I'm around, how when I speak they hear the wisdom and the presence of God on my tongue. And writing those down now sounds so conceited. But those words saved me yesterday. I don't know what sort of funk I was in, but it was awful. It was probably one of the longest periods of depression I've gone through. My heart was just so stinkin' heavy. I felt so weighed down with burdens from well-meaning Christians, and from scripture! Feelings of being so far away from ever measuring up to the woman of God that I'm supposed to become. I felt like a chasm stood between me and loveliness, worthiness, righteousness, being a woman of God.

And although my mentor, who reads this I know, (Sorry Gretchen) will probably disagree with my thoughts here. . . it's been because of this horribly infamous Proverbs 31 woman. Every time I read it, (I should insert here that I've been studying and memorizing it for the past 6 months or so) I feel more and more condemned. That I don't measure up. That I've got such a long way to go. That there'll always be one more (or more like a dozen) giant step(s) to climb to reach spiritual beauty and desired-ness. And so I've been in a state of deep sorrow. Of absolute exhaustion. Even now, recalling it, I feel the weight of that anvil. I just wanted to scream! Because it's not just that passage. It's the truth that every "godly" woman in our churches tries to pour on us. . . "godly women do". There's always something else we need to fix about ourselves: a temptation to overcome, a personality flaw to fix, several pounds to lose, a weakness to master, an unattractiveness to correct, surgically or otherwise.

And it's really not isolated to women. . . it's the message the church body shouts to one another. Most preachers at some point center most of their messages around how to "fix", "do", "overcome", "become", "master". Do you see it? Do you hear it? Do you feel it? This burden to be in a constant state of striving, attaining, promoting. I'm not saying that growing in your faith is bad or wrong. Or that we don't daily see and experience new ways of being shaped into Christ's likeness. But what we have become so weighed down by, so used to hearing, is how we're not good enough. How we're not there. . . and we need to get "there". And yet "there" is constantly and consistently elusive. And rather than resting in the grace of God, and knowing his love and his affirmations to us about who we are, how he sees us. We shoot these bullets at one another, these judgments, of how far we have yet to go, rather than how incredibly far we've come. We need to remember that we were created in Christ's likeness. He made us that way. How many Christians affirm in each other the characteristics of Christ we see in one another on a daily, weekly, monthly, or even at least yearly basis? Maybe at Jr. High camp (when self-esteem needs a hefty boost - as though it doesn't now!), or during some team-building exercise or encouragement object lesson. And yes there's sin, and yes we battle it, so no, we're not perfect representations at present. But how many Christians and preachers cheer loudly each time we overcome a sin?! How many of us feel comfortable saying on the front end that we're in the battle, so that when that battle is won, and Christ in us is victorious, there is anyone at the finish line waiting to hand out the prize and shout with joy about our overcoming it?

Very few, sadly. Very few of us feel comfortable to acknowledge our struggle with sin out loud. Because we know. We know that we will be condemned, pressed down by our brothers and sisters.

And that is where I was until yesterday afternoon.

But GLORY HALLELUIA! IT'S OVER! The words that were written to me, for me, about me, so many years ago now, came back as sweet honey, dripping off those pages.

God shouted (and whispered) this to me:
"THIS IS WHO YOU ARE!!!" "THIS IS HOW WONDERFULLY BEAUTIFUL, AND SPIRITUALLY RIGHT WITH ME YOU ARE!!!" "You are on track, Daughter. You are right where I want you. I promised that you would seek me and find me, when you seek me with your whole heart, and you are! You love me. You desire me. Yes, you desire other things, like marriage and children, and a home that is yours. And that's ok. I created those desires. And I will tell you when those desires are out of order. But unlike everyone else in this world, I know your heart. I know the deep, real, unbridled truth of you. And I am pleased with you. I am found in you. I want you to laugh again, uncontrollably. I want you to be at ease with who you are. Not concerned about what or who you're not. I want your heart to be filled with delight. I want you to be at rest like you once were. Know that you're not all I want you to be yet, but I am the one who will make you become that. You just sit back and let Me do that work. Say yes to me changing and shaping you. That's all. Those moments will come. I will teach you. I will guide and correct you. And yes, sometimes I will discipline you. But you will know in your heart of hearts that it's necessary and ok. Your ears are attentive to me. I love that about you. Your mind is open to being changed, but not wishy-washy. You are not fickle, and you are not easily swayed from truth. You hear and know truth. I have given you discernment. You know almost instantly if something is truth, of Me, or not. That is Me talking to you, telling you that. And you know that. You acknowledge that. You sense that. You feel me. You've touched me. You've hugged me with so much passion. My daugter, I can caress your face and you feel it. You've kissed me. You struggle so much with the need for physical touch - and yet you've physically felt and responded to me over and over, almost forgetting it as soon as it happens. Remember, Beloved. Remember the times when you've very truthfully experienced that you are Mine and I am yours. My Princess, you are beautiful, lovely, worthy of love, and as deep as an ocean. Wait patiently for the one earthly person who will treasure that in you, who will nourish that in you. He is coming. He will arrive soon enough. But wait for him, and him alone. Trust Me to meet those needs until he arrives, and even after, sometimes. He is not perfect, but He is Mine, and he is exactly right for you. But not quite yet. Soon, child, soon."

You see, today I laughed. I was truly, fully, 100% genuinely happy today. Work wasn't any different. Life wasn't any easier. The workday wasn't any shorter. My parents weren't any less parental. My husband has still not arrived. I didn't receive flowers, or chocolates, or even a note from a friend. My bank account is still in the negative (although not as much as it was yesterday). But I am being romanced and affirmed by the only One whose opinion matters! As I read those encouraging words, written so long ago, I asked myself "What happened? How did I go from spirituality that people admired, a person my friends respected and looked up to - to this? Where did I go wrong? When did I change? When did I stop being fun, full of life, happy?!" And I realized that I hadn't. My relationship with God is still just as great as it was in college. The person that I am is still just as attractive and enticing and fun as I was then. It had just been hidden by this need to peform, to attain the unattainable perfection of spirituality. And I had been too tuned in to what other people think about how much more I could do, be, change, attain, give up, (the list goes on for miles).

So. . . I quit! No offense, but I don't care what you think anymore. I know that I've got things about me that could change, feelings about things that I shouldn't have, personality traits that could be refined or fixed or softened or even killed. And you know what. Eventually they probably will be. And again, no offense, but I think God's got the "change-agent" role adequately filled in my life. Some Christians get so exasperated with preachers who always talk about how much God loves us, and how much free grace we get - but you know what, we haven't really gotten yet. Because Christians are the least likely to extend love to a sinner. How many nightshelters are staffed by enthusiastic, evangelical Christians? How many AIDS patients are on the church prayer lists for full healing and recovery? How many bars have Christians outside ready and waiting to give free rides home for anyone who needs one (outside of Beach Reach weeks at South Padre Island, TX and Panama City Beach, FL)?

I think we need to spend more time really contemplating, seeking to understand, searching to know how wide, and long, and high, and deep is the love of Christ (for us). And to really spend all of our time, energy, and sermons on the amazing, unfathomable, incredible, ridiculous, and wonderfully magnificent free gift of grace (given to us). When we get that down, when we spend all of our time and energy on the heart of the Gospel - we'll realize that we have no place in telling others about what they need to fix about themselves, no matter how well-intentioned the Christian. Because we'll know that if God is revealing our areas of weakness and sin to us, and miraculously healing and covering it with his grace and forgiveness through the cross, well, gosh, He must be doing that for Sally, Jim, Susan, Mike, April, and Mark too! (In other words, "Therefore, I don't need to!")

Look in the Gospels, look in Acts - when someone preached - the sermon was about what God did through Jesus. The Epistles, the letters by Paul, were to people he knew - personally, intimately - because he spent a good bit of time with them while helping them plant and build a "church" (not a building, by the way). And when he spoke correction and rebuke and encouragement it was as a father-figure, or a friend. And it was as the result of a deeply rooted relationship that hinged on their respect and admiration of him as their leader. Not because a seminary gave him a degree that entitled him to stand on some wooden or carpeted platform and spew out messages of "how you need to change" or "what you need to do" to anyone within earshot (even if that means "people own TVs and we've got these channels booked from 7 am to 12 pm every Sunday").

A dear friend opened my eyes to what it has become. Preachers preach application. They read a passage of scripture (long or short), and then preach to you what God taught them from it. I've done it. Most Christian literature does it (i.e. Prayer of Jabez). But guess what - God doesn't always want/need to tell me what he tells you (even if we both are reading Mark 10). The Bible says "Preach the Word. . ." not "Preach everything I reveal to you when you read My Word." Jesus, Paul, Peter, John. None of their sermons were anything like a breakdown of application of the messages in Daniel 3 - "5 Lessons from the Fiery Furnace". Not unless it was how that passage applied to who Jesus was, what he came to accomplish (and succeeded to), how he fulfilled the role of Messiah, and what we can now gain because of him - only then was Scripture quoted or explained. I have yet to hear a Sunday morning message that is purely Gospel. And for the record, "believe, ask, be baptized" is not the Gospel message - no matter how much it is preached as such in the "Evangelical" circles.

Alright, enough is enough. Oh, what a soapbox I've built and stood upon for too long, now. I would apologize, but this place is for me more than it's for you. It is here that I can vent, unhindered - without interruption or concern for offense, or at least argument. For one, because not many people read or respond to my babble. And two, because if you do read it and disagree - I am, here, free of the need to respond or rebutt. :o) Aren't you and I fortunate for that! However, please know that I am always willing to read, listen to, and/or consider your arguments should you so desire to express them.

So I bid anyone who took the time to make it this far an exuberant "Congratulations!" and "Good Night!"

In need of Grace...

I don't know where I've been lately. On another planet. Surrounded by unfamiliar territory. Dodging the debris that threatens my life. Or in a field, filled with the most beautiful flowers, surrounded by the most beautiful autumn trees, isolated from everyone and everything that threatens my bliss! And in the middle of a tornado, the very center. I can see all of creation swirling around me. And I know that if I stuck my hand out to capture one thing and rescue it, that I would be sucked into the twisting death chamber.

It feels strange to write those things. I don't usually write that way. I'm usually straightforward, forthcoming, etc. about my feelings, about what I'm dealing with. But there are many things. And there is still a safety net under me if I don't give anyone too many details.

I felt judgment this week. Not from anyone in particular. I just sat on my floor and began to hear the comments of well-meaning, typical Christians - deciding what is spiritual and what is not. Informing me of thoughts, desires, hopes, struggles, emotional places of being, etc. that are not where I'm supposed to be. Sometimes they cover it with "when I feel that way", or "i desire that too, but God..." - and all I hear is blah, blah blah after that.

Maybe if you're reading this, and you're one of those well-meaning brothers or sisters of mine, you could speak justification about their points of view. But you know what. So what! I'm sick of people telling me "what God thinks" or something along those lines. Because I've got news for you. God talks to me too. God reveals his heart to me too. And guess what. He gave me one word this week. Grace. Give it and receive it.

A good friend told me about a comment by Martin Luther, I think. When asked by his congregation why he preached on "grace" every single Sunday, his response was something along the lines of...because every week you walk in those doors having forgotten it. And is there a truer statement about Christians today? Every Sunday we walk through those church doors having forgotten that we were so in need of grace this week, and the world around us desperately needed grace from us, and grace is the only reason we have anything to boast about in our Christianity.

There would be no room for self-righteousness if we lived by grace. If we truly understand how much we need it to survive, we might be more generous in giving it to the rest of the world too, or at least to one another - the downhearted, beaten-up by life, needy, exhausted, left-on-the-side-of-the-road-for-dead lot of us. Thank God for a Savior! Thank God that this week I felt the grace of Jesus like I have never felt it before. It's the only thing that's made it bearable, tolerable, withstandable.

An Excerpt from Captivating

Somehow [the "Proverbs 31 Woman"] has sanctified the shame most women live under, biblical proof that yet again we don't measure up...I know that I'm not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fears that we will end up abandoned and alone.

Every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. That's what makes a woman come alive.


I would love to hear anyone's thoughts on this.

My new favorite book!

Well, I've been reading this book called Captivating by John and Staci Elderidge. John wrote a book entitled Wild at Heart, written for men. It's hard to put into words at the moment a description of that book. It addresses the deep emotional wounds that have been inflicted on men, especially those from their fathers, mothers, wives, and other women in their lives. That book has been a source of healing for so many men I've known, as they have finally been able to put words to their feelings, they've finally found the answer to their questions about why they feel so haunted by the fear of failure. They've finally heard from the Father, "Yes, you are a man." And He answered their deepest question, the question that hits to the core of their being, He says, "Yes, you have what it takes - you are strong, and you've got the stuff when the going gets tough. You can win the battle. You are worthy of the Beauty you fight for."

Wild at Heart was written to men, but I got so much out of it. Not only did I learn more about men: how to build them up, what not to do/say that will tear them down; but I also learned a lot about me. Mostly that I really struggle with the issue of being the Beauty. I live in a culture that says that because I don't have "the perfect figure" that I'm not beautiful, that I'm not going to be fought for. And so, the book opened my eyes to my biggest wound. A father who stopped calling me Princess long ago, and who hasn't said I'm beautiful in just as long. It opened a deep wound, but validated it at the same time.

And that brings me to this book, Captivating. This book is for me, a woman. This is my Wild at Heart. I have already cried, sobbed really, over my wounds finally being brought to the light. Finally, someone, a man, has finally said, "Women have been wronged. You have been told a lie, and convinced that it was truth. You see we have been haunted by a question too. We need to know, "Am I lovely?" The problem is that so many of us have been told "No." When Daddys tell us to go away when we twirl in our dresses, or mothers say, "You're getting chubby." When boyfriends break up with us and start dating someone we perceive as "prettier and thinner".

I bought the book on Saturday, it is now Wednesday and I've only got about 3 chapters to go. And so much of me is finally being released. So much of the lies that I believed are finally being countered with the Truth, God's word about who I really am. That I was created to be feminine, to reflect the glory of the Lord in a way that no other part of creation (including man) can.

I highly recommend this book to men and women. Just as I read Wild at Heart and gained so much. I pray that not only will women read this book and find healing for their wounded hearts, but that men will choose to read it and learn how they can affirm the women in their lives (mothers, sisters, girlfriends, wives, and girl friends). Just as I learned about the damage women do, how we sin against our brothers in Christ, in what we say and do that tears down their knowledge of their masculinity; I desperately desire for men to take this opportunity to learn about the damage they do, the things that cause us to doubt, run from, or fear our femininity.

In all honesty I think they are like Part 1 and Part 2. I think they both need to be part of everyone's library. I know that God desires that His people be healed, free, at peace with who He created them to be - in His image. I pray that many more men will find their true masculinity, and many more women will find their true femininity, because God created those traits in us and called them "good"! He is delighted in us, and wants us to reflect His character in the unique ways that each gender can. He wants us to know His strength, power, protection, and passion to fight for us - which He designed in the character of men - it is woven into the fabric of their nature. And He wants us to know His beauty, nurturing, life-giving, and constant care - which he designed in the character of women - it is woven into the fabric of our nature!